My Diary - 1 February 2008
1
Cycle 5a, review and options
[03:17:19 PM] He went on to show me the scan results. The good news was the two tumors shrank slightly, which he reckoned at the early two cycles of using avastin. There was a rather stubborn tumor somewhere on the lower intestines which had grown slightly (compared to the previous scan done last August). This is cause for concern and explained the rising cancer marker readings. I spoke half in jest, "So stubborn leh, these cells. Why like that?" He replied, "Maybe resistance clones." We spoke at length the various options and he explained what I could hope for (which frankly isn't much). At one point he suggested this chemo drug which would cause hair loss in patches. PATCHES??!! So ugly... eeeeeks I don't want... You could imagine my strong reaction to this especially since I just did my hair. No way lar, doc. Anyway, we decided I would go for one more cycle of current regime. He apologised for not being able to give me a good CNY. Ah, that's alright, doc, not your fault.
I sms-ed Ser that evening to let her know that I had to leave earlier after breakfast for my iv avastin at NCC. It was nice of her to give me a lift to NCC after our usual breakfast and marketing trip. I arrived almost 45 minutes earlier before my appointment time. Couldn't explain my fatigue and sleepiness, I actually dozed off on the sofa while waiting for my turn. I slept through the short half hour drip and didn't even realise "Shuai Ge"'s arrival. We proceeded to Dr See's clinic after lunch at our usual favourite yong tau hoo stall.
Looks like the inevitable has to happen. Dr See suggested the operation, the one I resisted. She felt that it was to give myself a chemo-free holiday after the operation and also to let the body rest. What we are doing now is continual pumping of toxins into my body to keep the tumors at bay. She felt that the cost of using avastin for that little incremental benefit is not efficient (same opinion as Dr Chia's). What the operation entails is removing of all tumors visible and then continue with more chemotherapy thereafter to try eradicate residual cancer cells. Some timelines, options, surgeons involved, risks etc were mentioned and discussed briefly. Anyway, I still have time to consider and she felt this is the best option for me. Not everyone can have that operation. Age, number and size of tumours, and general health conditions are to my advantage. BUT to stay in ICU and the whole thing about operation, and we are talking about MAJOR operation, is enough to make me shudder. If this is my first operation, I probably won't bat an eyelid and agree. I had my first almost four years ago and went in without knowing what to expect. Not this time. Terribly frighten of the post-op pain and recovery. Yes, my threshold of pain has seriously dwindled to its lowest point.
During the discussion, "Shuai Ge" brought out a yellow-tinged paper with Dr See's writings. It was an outline of my options when we first consulted her almost 3 years ago. I have literally tried out all the drugs she wrote. Like she said, she has not been wrong except one which I drew no response. We left the room after letting her know I would give the option much thinking through and prayers.
Well, knowing me, if it is the ONLY option to go, I would do it. To be operated on in exchange for a hopeful at least one year or more chemo-free holidays. However, I never say I won't resist, make noise, whim first, "deh" plus other "resisting" actions. There are still other (somewhat minor to some but major to me) considerations. And the timeline? May. Sighs. What a way to welcome in the year of the Rat. I am behaving like a mousy now. *resists operation mode*
P.S. After a little thought, think the cells take abit after me: stubborn. Baaaahhh
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