what's happening and the future

I finished my radiotherapy early last month. Compared to chemotherapy, it was a much more pleasant experience. My church friends came to support me on my first treatment. They took turns to bring me for subsequent sessions as I didn't want to disrupt "Shuai Ge" from work too often. Although I bled shortly after my 4th one, I was able to complete the whole treatment.

There are two reasons for the lack of posts here. One is laziness. The other is I cannot sit too long typing on the desktop. Alright, that sounds like an excuse, but it really isn't. My bowels are somewhat blocked by the tumours. Whenever I sit at the desktop, I get this urge to visit the toilet. I'm now typing this entry on the tablet computer "Shuai Ge" puts in the room.

I have been off chemotherapy since the ixempra issue. There are no more new chemo drugs for me to try. Anyway, my body didn't quite recover since August. I lost so much weight (and body fats) that I look like someone who is anorexic. I am now trying to put on weight, which is an uphill task. There are diet constraints, considering my blocked bowels. Dr See listed out some of the food to eat and what to avoid. Ling returned from Melbourne for a short visit and gave me additional pointers too. It is rather sad that I have to avoid many of my favourite food. The only one I find most pleasing to indulge in is ice cream (must be made from full-cream milk and not low fat and the like). What is life when you cannot enjoy your favourite food and eat what you like?

My Chinese physician, Zhang yishi prescribed TCM to regenerate my body. I am able to resume some of my usual activities: breakfast and marketing on Tuesday and Thursday, BSF on Monday and church service on Sunday. However, I don't have enough stamina like before to walk long distances and my stomach sometimes will act up. It is also rather troublesome to go out as I'm always looking for the ladies' room. It's still good to be outside occasionally, sipping tea and drinking soup with really great friends.

At one stage I lost interest in surfing the internet, except the few friends' blogs. It hasn't been the same since Flora's passing on. Sometimes in the night when I woke up, I had panic attacks and would often wonder if it was my turn to go home. I shared with "Shuai Ge" my fears. "Shuai Ge" being himself, reminded me of the things I needed to do, so that I would have no regrets. I would like to share my thoughts, but not in this entry.

So, what's happening now? It's waiting. Waiting for new chemo drugs to come onstream. Waiting for my body to give distress signals or recovery signs. Meanwhile, I will eat to gain weight. Take my medication regularly and hope that my nerves will recover and the numbness on hands and feet will disappear. Pray that TCM will work its wonders and my body will rejuvenate itself. Pray that my bowels will not be totally blocked and I don't need that surgery. And I will get my hands going to do what I'm supposed to do so that I won't have any regrets.

Future? Dare not think too far. It's good enough to be able to plan a short retreat with church friends this coming weekend.