doctor's review

I don't know how to begin this entry. Went for my appointment with Dr See this morning. Was rather shocked I lost so much weight. Dr See commented that I looked pale and weak. I think I have not been feeling well the last ten days or so. Poor appetite, pain, lethargy, bleeding, nausea and discomfort are my daily companions. I lie down on the bed most of the time.

Dr See suggested a CT scan to see what is happening inside me, and to address the weight loss and bowel issues. An optimistic case scenario is a stoma surgery, worst case being nothing can be done. I don't know how to react to this, just feel so tired and in pain. I seriously don't know how much longer I can bear all these.

Was rather touched when I received an email from my young friends this evening. It was a slideshow put together as a present for me. I was tearing as I watched the slideshow and the messages each of them wrote to me. I may not have my health, but I'm certainly surrounded by many friends and love.

what's happening and the future

I finished my radiotherapy early last month. Compared to chemotherapy, it was a much more pleasant experience. My church friends came to support me on my first treatment. They took turns to bring me for subsequent sessions as I didn't want to disrupt "Shuai Ge" from work too often. Although I bled shortly after my 4th one, I was able to complete the whole treatment.

There are two reasons for the lack of posts here. One is laziness. The other is I cannot sit too long typing on the desktop. Alright, that sounds like an excuse, but it really isn't. My bowels are somewhat blocked by the tumours. Whenever I sit at the desktop, I get this urge to visit the toilet. I'm now typing this entry on the tablet computer "Shuai Ge" puts in the room.

I have been off chemotherapy since the ixempra issue. There are no more new chemo drugs for me to try. Anyway, my body didn't quite recover since August. I lost so much weight (and body fats) that I look like someone who is anorexic. I am now trying to put on weight, which is an uphill task. There are diet constraints, considering my blocked bowels. Dr See listed out some of the food to eat and what to avoid. Ling returned from Melbourne for a short visit and gave me additional pointers too. It is rather sad that I have to avoid many of my favourite food. The only one I find most pleasing to indulge in is ice cream (must be made from full-cream milk and not low fat and the like). What is life when you cannot enjoy your favourite food and eat what you like?

My Chinese physician, Zhang yishi prescribed TCM to regenerate my body. I am able to resume some of my usual activities: breakfast and marketing on Tuesday and Thursday, BSF on Monday and church service on Sunday. However, I don't have enough stamina like before to walk long distances and my stomach sometimes will act up. It is also rather troublesome to go out as I'm always looking for the ladies' room. It's still good to be outside occasionally, sipping tea and drinking soup with really great friends.

At one stage I lost interest in surfing the internet, except the few friends' blogs. It hasn't been the same since Flora's passing on. Sometimes in the night when I woke up, I had panic attacks and would often wonder if it was my turn to go home. I shared with "Shuai Ge" my fears. "Shuai Ge" being himself, reminded me of the things I needed to do, so that I would have no regrets. I would like to share my thoughts, but not in this entry.

So, what's happening now? It's waiting. Waiting for new chemo drugs to come onstream. Waiting for my body to give distress signals or recovery signs. Meanwhile, I will eat to gain weight. Take my medication regularly and hope that my nerves will recover and the numbness on hands and feet will disappear. Pray that TCM will work its wonders and my body will rejuvenate itself. Pray that my bowels will not be totally blocked and I don't need that surgery. And I will get my hands going to do what I'm supposed to do so that I won't have any regrets.

Future? Dare not think too far. It's good enough to be able to plan a short retreat with church friends this coming weekend.

Regime #9 stopped

The numbness in my fingers and hands made typing difficult. Please do appreciate this entry. Thank-you.

Ixempra is not an easy drug to handle, as could be seen by the side effects I was put through. I blamed myself for not taking my Chinese herbal medicine in time to manage the sluggish intestines, which I did so well in cycles 2 and 3. The bone ache and numbness were not easy too.

Anyway, more drama followed after my last entry. The bone ache and numbness hit new high and caused me much misery. Shuai Ge as usual troubled Dr See who prescribed me medications to ease the pain and to give me at least a good night's rest. Before that, upon LX's suggestion I sought help from a fellow churchie who specialises in pain management. He only called two days after Dr See's prescription.

I then had a tussel with antibiotics (to tackle the inflammed large intestines). This was after the CT scan done, which showed part of the large intestines being enlarged. Thank God for the gentle nurse at the CT scan department, the scan went smoothly. The two courses of antibiotics were those after my recent seeing "red" episode. I stopped after two doses of them as they did not agree with my stomach. Again after the third dose on day two, I was nauseating to no end. Sleep was denied. Shuai Ge couldn't stand by to see me in pain and again disturbed Dr See's clinic. I felt so silly when after her prescription of anti-nauseating pills and proper management of taking the antibiotics, my stomach was in much agreeable terms with the antibiotics.

I told Shuai Ge today would be the last day of the antibiotics course (but didn't tell him my plan to throw away two tablets left). But alas! He actually counted the tablets and said it was Tuesday morning. Aiyah!

The bleeding issue was not resolved totally. Dr See had asked Dr R Yeo the radiation oncologist to do a brachytherapy on me. I have been scheduled to be radiated tomorrow. Ah! My first suana!

Though the CT scan report wasn't out, Dr See had suggested to stop chemotherapy altogether and to rest for two to three months. Meantime, she suggested I try TCM. That night after seeing her, Shuai Ge asked me if I knew what all that meant. I didn't. I don't think my doctors have given up on me yet, just that I have very limited options as of now.

You probably can't recognise me now, being reduced to mere bones. LX had been my main contact point in church with so many asking for visitations. She helped me decline all. As for me, I would ask for help in going to the hospital should the need arises. As LX said, LZ and her are on standby all the time.

I have done enough crying over the last few weeks. I really hope it will not be repeated.

Till the next entry!


P.S. Much thanks to my chio-est one for helping me out with adding gadgets on this blog.

aunt agony

The lack of updates is an indication of how things are: bad. Over the past few weeks, I have turned into aunt agony, not one who dishes out advice for the troubled, but one who is in anguish.


The biopsy report showed spread of disease, unknown sources till further scan. I had sometimes played the scenario in my mind whereby the doctor would give me the ultimate bad news. Would I be devastated and cry my heart out? Or just simply take in the news? I don't know.


Anyway, the bleeding did stop after Dr See's medication. I carried on with cycle 4 on 23rd July. I was still feeling alright till Sunday (26th), everything just turned painfully tormenting after that. For three whole days, I spent every waking second in agony and misery. Never had I felt so much pain and in such great intensity as those days. I couldn't eat, move, sleep or do anything. The pain was so excruciating that I broke down, several times. Painkillers didn't help. I just wanted to die as the agony got unbearable. I sent out prayer-sms requests.


The bone ache abated somewhat an hour after that sms was sent. However, another pain hit me. My stomach began to feel bloated. Over the next few hours, the skin threatened to split over. The discomfort got to a point that I had thoughts of ending it all again. Why, Lord, why wouldn't it stop?


The one who is also suffering with me is "Shuai Ge". He couldn't watch me suffer and not do anything. By Thursday morning (30th), I was in Dr See's clinic. I had a drip, an x-ray, a booster for white blood count and an enema. There was some relief but not the end of my suffering.


The bone ache returned at a moderate level, but the numbness intensified. My fingers and arms, knees, toes and feet are stiff and perpetually in pain. Imagine I couldn't even text on the handphone or press the buttons on the house phone. Even simple bending of the fingers hurt.


I have no lack of concerned friends, help and offers of help, and words of encouragement/hugs. It is very heart-warming. All these pain and suffering have taken a toll on me physically and my fighting spirit. I have reflected my intention not to continue with this regime as there is no quality of life.


I realise this is a really bad year for me. I was transferring blog entries from my previous blog and reading through some of them. My entries this year weren't like before. All I can say is that the side effects have significantly affected my mental and emotional state and thus it is reflected through my entries. I need a break and a return to "normal" days, so as to be recharged and kick the unwelcomed, overstaying guest. When will that be?

Seeing "red"

As in the previous entry, the pain level hit its peak on Friday night. I took the strong painkiller and tried to get some sleep. I managed to catch some winks and thought the bone ache somewhat abated. The numbness was (and still is) a nuisance.

On Saturday late night, I felt nauseating and was trying to vomit (I ate very little and there wasn't anything in the stomach). Wasn't too sure if I had used too much force, I later found blood stains down the unmentionable. I told "Shuai Ge" about it and he was very concerned. I wasn't bleeding profusely or in amounts that warranted panic, but it was frightening to see fresh blood, not just stains. The "bleeding" continued each time I was in that "nauseating" mode.

On Monday morning, I called up NCC to page for my doctor and made an appointment to see Dr See as well. Dr Ng did not respond to my call yet when I went to see Dr See. I was very grateful and thankful to Dr See who did most of the legwork for us. Even SSN Tan helped. In the end, I managed to see Dr Wong, my surgical oncologist five years ago. She performed a short biospy on a suspicious nodule found. I will see her on Friday to review the result.

It hit me later that it could be a serious condition. If the loss of blood was significant, I might have needed a transfusion (which was why there was this tube of my blood for 1-to-1 comparison). If the bleeding did not stop, and if it came from an existing tumour, perhaps a small area radiation might be needed. Then at one point when the nurse tried to take my blood pressure, the machine could not take my readings. When she finally measured it manually, it was 90/60. Scary!

The pain down below superceded the numbness. I couldn't walk without help and had to lean on "Shuai Ge" all the way home.

What a Monday! But I'm glad I have angels around me to help me through. See, told you I'm a blessed patient. ^_^

Pain, pain go away

That's what I have been feeling for the past nine days. Whatever position I take, lying down, sitting up, standing, walking... the pain sticks to me like a Siamese twin. The bone ache (despite medication) and numbness are torturing me, and depriving me of sleep and rest. I have been whining too, non-stop. I walk like an old lady without a walking stick, hunchbacked. Sounds depressing? Afraid it's the situation as of now.


But I think I will survive, like always.

cycle 2

I'm still finding my way around in this platform, so please bear with me.

Finished my second cycle almost three weeks ago. Given the experience of the first cycle, I think I coped rather well with the second one. The good news was that I responded to this new drug Ixempra and my marker came down significantly to 56. I couldn't contain my delight and shared with Dr Ng my feelings. I thought he was trying to pare my happiness when he said, "We always look at the trend." Hmmm.....


I still had the same side effects for the first ten days, intensity lessening as the days go by. I will be going for cycle 3 this Thursday. Not looking forward to it.