The beginning, year 2004 (part 3)

(operation, operating, operated)

Everyone was surprised how fast I was scheduled to have an operation on Wednesday. I had a CT scan done to check the possible affected areas. The plucky good-humoured Malay nurse was really nice. She kept my food for me whilst I had my scan done. She even encouraged me, telling me what she went through during her kidney transplant for her son. The CT scan was nothing compared to hers.


Being the vain me, I had wanted to go out and get my hair done at a salon. However, the Malay nurse advised me against it. I had to abandon the thought. I did ask around for my options of administering painkillers. One sweet nurse told me of this machine whereby I could have morphine intravenously. And I made sure the doctors or nurses who drew blood or plugged in the needles would do it in one attempt. There was this surgeon who was quite good-looking and he was really overworked. When I asked him about the morphine machine, he wondered how I knew.

I had to fast for my operation and not even allowed to drink. I saw the patient opposite my bed being asked to move herself onto the bed after her operation. She was groaning in pain when she moved. I got abit worried. But the orderlies and nurses assured me I was light enough to be carried. (*LOL*) Both Dr Yu and Dr Wong came to my ward everyday without fail. There was a little episode between Shuai Ge and an elderly nurse. Anyway, I was pushed into the waiting room before entering the operating theatre.

The whole operation took less than an hour but the whole process was very long. I didn't know how long Shuai Ge and SH (yes, he came too) waited but I was told more than a few hours. Enough for them to imagine the worst possible. When Dr Yu gave them the thumbs up, they heaved a sigh of relief. When I came to after the operation, the pain was excruciating, even for someone who professed to have a high threshold of pain. I was literally groaning, "Pain, pain," and was pressing the morphine machine non-stop.


I could remember seeing my brother and V in their working clothes. They left after seeing me to my ward. Shuai Ge kept his promise to me. I don't know how he did it, but he managed to stay by my side till 1 am till the nurse "discovered" him and requested he stay at the waiting area. By God's grace, and I don't know why, Shuai Ge's brother came in the wee hours and sent Shuai Ge home (he happened to call Shuai Ge when Shuai Ge was about to hail a cab home). I was feeling both hungry and thirsty, but Shuai Ge could only dab my lips with moist tissues. The night nurse, Hazel, was very attentive and understanding. She came in once a while to moisten my chapped dry lips.

Many friends came. My mother and another brother dropped by too. Wendy came during lunch hours and she massaged my aching back. I told myself whatever was required of me to do to recover and be discharged, I would do them. And I did. Dr Wong was surprised I didn't use so much morphine to ease my pain. I told her the pain was bearable and I didn't want to press unnecessarily.


Lying there on your back, not being able to move, or even if you tried but every move made you screeching in pain, was sheer torture. I think I drifted in and out of consciousness for the next two days after the operation. For the record, I had 26 staples for the "slit". Yeaps, twenty-six staples were holding my cut belly and the layers of skin under it. IT WAS PAINFUL!!! I was reduced to mere bones. 36 kg on my 5 ft frame.


I stayed in total eight days in the hospital. On the last day there, I was all alone in the ward. Those B2 bedders who were temporarily put at the ward got transferred. The nurses didn't transfer me. Infact I heard them saying, "Oh, this one good patient. Just let her stay." Pete and Anne came before I was leaving. I thanked all the nurses who were still around before heading home.


With that, it marked the beginning of my next challenging path to battle this chronic sickness. As I look back now, I am felt with gratitude to those who had helped me one way or other, big or small. It was difficult for someone who had always been independent to suddenly become so dependent on everyone. And for so many who were and still are willing to render their help in whatever they could and can, I offer you my sincerest and heartfelt thanks and gratitude. I couldn't have sailed through it and come this far without you guys. THANKS A ZILLION!!!

The beginning, year 2004 (part 2)

The battle had just began.

After a sleepless night, I checked in at the hospital. I requested to be warded under B2 (cheaper because I wasn't insured, argh! another sob story) but there were no beds available. The admission staff eventually put me in the B1 ward till there were vacant beds.


I still believed God's divine hands were on me. It was in this ward that I met Chin, who happened to be suffering from the same illness, except hers had metastasised to the skin membrane. It was touching to see "Shuai ge"'s friends rallying round him, giving him lots of moral support and encouragement. They stayed with him for as long as they could.


Joyce heard of what happened. She was concerned for the musketeers and ordered pizzas for them. How thoughtful of her and I was grateful. (She and Lyn came on Sunday.) SH wondered if I informed any of my friends. I didn't. He felt that I should. I would need all the support I could garner. He set me pondering.

There were some tests and scans to be done. Dr Yu sent her assistant to examine me. She was a sweet and gentle doctor. As SGH is a teaching hospital, there were some more interns and doctors who came. When the second group came, I was kinda irritated when one of them wanted to examine me. I cheekily replied, "Oh, I was already touched just now. They couldn't find anything." HAHA


The day passed by slowly. It was strange, during the day I had no time, no moments to be feeling lonely. However, when evening fell and after all the visitors had left, I had the time to delve into issues which I was trying to avoid. I brought a notebook to the hospital so that I could pen my thoughts in it. Thinking of my three beloved musketeers, I could no longer hold back the tears with which my sadness, despair, apprehension and helplessness held. I thought of how unfair it was for me and for them if I were to leave them just like that. As I was penning down my thoughts and what I wanted to say to them, the tears just soaked the pages.


Somehow I remembered one of our favourite Bible verses in secondary school during KOH's teachings, Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I knew God was calling me back, for I had backslided long enough. I only knew I could trust Him to help me through this ordeal and He wouldn't just let it happen without sending forth angels to assist and guide me. I continued to pray for strength, courage and faith to be able to go through whatever that might come my way. (I later found blessings through my sickness =D)

It was a quiet Sunday. I had the opportunity to talk to Chin whom I believed God had arranged to be in the same ward and the bed next to mine. She encouraged me. Through her, I got to know my counselor, Eng.


Did I tell you why I still hadn't told any of my friends I was hospitalised for cancer? It was pride and humiliation. Me, the one with the knowledge of health and nutrition, the one who was very careful of her diet, who ate mainly fish (steamed), vegetables and fruits (those high in anti-oxidants and anti-cancer), who would log her diet.... I felt so humiliated to be inflicted with this illness. However, I reflected and repented. I responded to SH's suggestion of informing my friends. The first person I called was Anne C. She was shocked, needless to say. Then I informed TA.


TA and P came to visit me, like less than half an hour later. TA hugged me when she saw me. She was unconsolable when she asked repeatedly, "Why? Why you?" Alas, two of us were weeping together. When she was finally calmer, I told her how I discovered I was ill and told her to go for checkup and buy insurance. I found out later she went on to inform KOH, Nanz (who was in the States) and the rest of the group. Yes, my prayer buddies and prayer warriors. Choo and Anne came to see me too on Monday while Annie T (she stays in KL) called me on the cell phone.


I had more visitors on Monday and Tuesday, some were "Shuai ge"'s colleagues and ex-colleagues whom I came to know as well. My beloved breakfast "kakees" aka neighbours came too. Jen couldn't sleep the night she learnt of the news. She was emotionally disturbed and visibly upset. Janet was in shock and disbelief. Even the preacher from SH's church (we hadn't attended church yet) came to pray for me. My ex neighbours (whom we bought insurances from.. long story) came too. "Shuai ge" informed my ex colleagues. The baskets hanging in the balcony were reminders of everyone's well wishes.

I think I sent the alarm bells ringing. The ladies told me they made appointments for detailed checkup, especially the cancer markers. Perhaps I had taken such simple things for granted. Oh, I haven't told you what I am battling. I have ovarian cancer, stage 3C, survivor rate of 25%. My cancer marker CA125 read 3200, when the normal range is 0-35. The scan had shown my ovaries to be the size of my fist. Yups, scary! And the cells had spread to part of my rectum. The sad thing was the symptoms were often not so clear cut. And when it is detected, it is often at a late stage or it has metastasised.


My oncologist, Dr L Wong, had scheduled me for an operation on Wednesday. It was considered very fast given that you would need to wait for availability of operating suites and the notion that things move alot slower in public hospitals. I was indeed blessed.


The nurses in the ward were mostly pleasant and I blogged about these angels before. Let me refer to my notebook and quote part of my thoughts.


"It is only when things happen that you realise what should be done early should be done; what ought to be done must be done; what can be done today shouldn't be put off till tomorrow. Procrastination is a terrible thing and you always realise it when it's too late." "As for me, I will fight on. I promise Shuai Ge I won't give up so easily. God won't give up on me and I won't give up on myself!" "Spoke to the patient next to me. She has ovarian cancer which has now spread to the colon. She told me to stay positive and don't give up. She was given only two years. That was five years ago. Great! That boosts my spirit. She says support group is important. Loving yourself is also important." "Still, it is a fact now (that I have this dreadful illness). No point trying to deny (it). The point and most important thing is to keep a fighting spirit and be very, very strong. I've always been strong. I have always been a fighter. I have God with me to fight any war/battle."


It has been two years. To all my angels, friends and beloved ones, thank you for walking with me. Thank you for being there for me, for your wonderful support, for sharing with me my most difficult moments, for your undying love and prayers, and mostly for just being you.


Happy 2nd anniversary to myself.. and many more! =P

The beginning, year 2004 (part 1)

Taken from my previous blog, written on 25 June 2006


Before I tell you how I discovered I was sick, let me just say why I have decided to blog about it. I realised the usefulness of blogging how I felt and coped with this illness to those who might one way or other be "connected" to it. Thanks to a very special friend who brought my attention to a fellow blogger's website who was in a similar situation as I. Although she didn't pull through, she certainly encouraged me by her fighting spirit and entries. I hope to do the same with mine.

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June holidays could never be the same for me. On the Monday of the third week, two years ago, I went to consult my GP for this nagging pain in the abdomen which never seemed to go away. She arranged for an ultrasound scan at a lab. I did the scan on Thursday, but the radiologist wasn't around at that time. I returned the next day and when I asked her about the scan, all she said was,"Go talk to your doctor. Long-term care is more important now."


Seriously, I had no idea what was going on. It was God's will that my GP was on leave that day. (She never went on leave on a Friday.) "Shuai ge" was very worried about the report. In my mind I thought it was only a cyst or fibroid, nothing as serious as a terminal illness. "Shuai ge" and I went to consult my gynae, who still charged me for an ultrasound scan when I already had the film. She told me things did not look right and it was most probable cancer. She is not an expert in this field, but would be able to get things done faster if I engaged her as my main doctor.


Our world just collapsed upon that. We were still in a daze when we were out from the clinic at Mount Elizabeth. "Shuai ge" was in tears and devastated. My first thought was, "Oh, no. Time to go back to God." We contemplated on my gynae's offer. The strange thing was I didn't cry. I just took it in my stride. It did shock me. My concern was to get myself cured. Fortunately "Shuai ge" called SH who in turn informed KY and KH. The trio rushed down to meet us at Mt E. SH made a few inquiries as to which would be the best avenue for me. Thank God he did. It was later that we learnt the first step in which we took could either make or break us.


SH accompanied us to SGH to seek another gynae, Dr Yu. As we didn't make any prior appointment, it was almost impossible to consult her. Moreover, her earliest possible time slot was a fortnight later as she had a seminar the following week. The admission staff saw our desperation and told us to seek help from the nurse. We approached Dr Yu's nurse and passed her the scan negatives to show Dr Yu, and we were granted an impromptu appointment. It was also not Dr Yu's area of specialisation. However, she referred us to her fellow colleague, Dr Wong. Dr Yu assured us she would continue to follow up in the hospital.


She wanted me to be hospitalised immediately. I told her I wasn't prepared psychologically and would only do so the following day. The admission nurse briefed me on the procedures. We went home heavy hearted. You could imagine the long night we had. I couldn't sleep. We didn't know the severity or the seriousness of the illness yet. I was in acute pain that night and couldn't sleep. I prayed, asking God to be my pillar of strength.


The long battle had merely just began for me.